Nocturnal? Oui.

It is 2am and I think I am having a caffeine rush. I could probably have a stare off with an owl right now. I recently began watching NCIS and where has it been all this while?? I am hooked!!!! I am learning about biology, forensics, everything from these 45 minute episodes.

I wonder if watching too many crime shows makes you analyse every aspect of your life more? That would be a cool research topic though. My post graduate classes are going well so far, it’s assignment season. I am trying to stay afloat. I got bored swiping on this dating app, and now I am fixated on Of course there is someone out there for you. there is someone for each one of us. Being a greek myth geek- ah ha! I also just want to believe we live our life, searching for our other half- literally.

I don’t think this person is making much of an effort in finding me though. So unfortunate. Anyway, other than that there is nothing out of the blue happening. My horoscope suggests I lie low for a while, so i am off to hibernate.

Image courtesy: Patrick J. Endres/AlaskaPhotoGraphics.com

Okay, Let’s face it.

Few years ago.. my ideals of a relationship were all shaped by the ones I saw around me. One that was possessive, every minute of every day was to be reported. Another, wherein there were just no communication- the concept of space was exaggerated. Or one from the fairy tale I was engrossed in, or I was just looking for my very own Percy Jackson! And mine, a mixture of these along with naivety.

Today.. what constitutes a relationship for me, is not something I see around me. It’s just what comes my way.. probably being a non vegetarian is a definite criteria haha. Other than though, I have come to realize, I don’t want a percy jackson, nor do I want dysfunctional relationships to guide my thought process. My latest mantra is- Live for today, great hopes for tomorrow.

Life is short. Face it, you don’t know how different the next hour of your life is going to be.  So I am sat here.. leaving my assignment and the boy on my mind aside to just assess how my mindset has changed. I’ve been giving people all this advice, not realizing that I myself have been applying it all a little everyday.

Feels like I am concluding some weird motivational talk. But honestly, take everything one step at a time. There is no rush, until you believe there is.

 

Image by: Christine Pym

Source: Pinterest.

by the way

I have come a long way..

from roses to tulips,

from white to yellow,

from lipbalm to lipsticks,

from boredom to podcasts,

to video editing,

from sulking to enjoying,

from jealousy to admiration,

from 4 years ago to now;

I am a whole new person,

with a whole new mindset.

and I am happy,

by the way.

 

VPhoto by heni noviyanti on Unsplash

 

 

A fresh Slate

Well, I have two exams left and then I am done with my bachelor’s. I still cannot digest the fact that three years are over- just like that. Almost as though i snapped my fingers and time travelled haha. I would just like to relax and listen to the latest Jonas Brothers single.

In other news, I have a partial idea, if you will, about my future ambitions. But that we can save for another day. In super super hot news, I have a new.. friend. I met him at the farewell party, and we have been in touch ever since. I quite enjoy the conversations because of how straightforward he is- no grey area, nada. He’s curious, he;s patient and I would like to believe that he is smart as well.

So this boy i think is the first one, where we have no mutual friends. It’s a fresh slate, and I am a learner. I think it is going to be fun, if we continue chatting away like this. He might be moving back to another country, he might get a job in a different city, he might not even like me. But heck, I want to enjoy and embrace this moment. It’s all about living in the present, isn’t it? I don’t know what will happen, but whatever happens, i shall just get a haircut and move on. Comme si comme sa.

I have become very very interested in the theory of the law of attraction. What you attract, you will get. Give it time, be patient and nurture positivity. I should become a guru haha. But seriously, I think the law seems to be working. The second season of Killing Eve is releasing soon, and I am excited!

Other than that, I recently injured my hamstring while trying to do a split. I heard a really horrible popping and cracking sound. I have been applying ice and resting it. ANY TIPS? PLIS HELP. I can walk comfortably except for the little pain that keeps dabbing my leg. I would like to recover sooooon. But I did end up getting into a split, so that is an achievement in itself.

In other news, life is good. No complains, no regrets.

… not me

There. I’ve done it. I’ve made up mind. I am going to draw the line before you get too close.

I don’t know if I’m afraid of commitment. I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. But why lead you on only to break your heart along the way? I would have liked for it to go on a little longer if not all the way. A few more dates, but it all felt one sided. You’re wearing your heart on your sleeve while mine is under a shield.

You talk so comfortably about anything and everything to me yet it’s taking me a while to reciprocate. And that’s not how it should be, should it? I want to be able to tell you things freely as well, but heck, I don’t wanna. There. I said it. Maybe not right away, but I myself don’t know when I’ll open up again.

When I told you it’s a sensitive topic, that I’d like to talk about later- whenever I’m ready, I didn’t like the way you tried to pry. If only you knew how sensitive the topic was…

I would have also liked to tell you more about my day, my life- me. But somehow I can’t bring myself to it. You’re a nice human, but you deserve a nicer human, not me.

Not someone whose book has no blank page for you, who hasn’t finished a chapter yet, who is still trying to move on in her own terrible way.

I don’t know how these lines are to be drawn subtly with hopes that our friendship would remain intact. But I can only give it a shot and hope that you’d understand..

Relationship Yarns

I’ve noticed that relationships-

Relationships are like balls of yarn,

When you purchase it

It has a definite beginning,

Though the end is not visible,

We have assurance that it is there,

But to see the end of the yarn-

One has to slowly yet steadily

Unwind it

Create something with it

Rather than leave it strewn all over the floor

That will only leave it to tangle

Eventually forgetting about the end while the beginning is still missing

Relationships begin like this

By choice, you buy what yarn you want

You befriend whom you want

You begin knitting as a hobby

One may get tired in the middle

And look for another interest

Fights may take place

But reunification is around the corner

Because it is this hobby that helps you clam down

Words are exchanged with embraces as a cherry on top

A beautiful masterpiece is created

But it may not finish as expected

Turmoil strikes when the yarn is strewn

And trying to unknot it will be tough

For actions speak louder than words

Yet actions require good coordination

Which is impossible when the heart is tired and the mind wary

For that love is lost amongst the waves

Or that love has forgotten

Only sheer determination

Can help get this yarn back in a ball

With the relationship evolving

From friendship to love

From love to lust

Like the perfect crocheted mat

Love blossoms

Like flowers in spring

And the earth in rain

Like him and her

And their lives- surreal.

Estuary

I’m afraid

That you’re slipping away

Just like the sand in my palms

Your memories seep through my fingers

I’m afraid the waves will come

And wash you away

Maybe occasionally there’ll be a tsunami

Where I will remember you completely

But after all the reminiscing

You will keep coming and going like waves indefinitely

But I hope that when you and I meet

There will be an estuary…