Cease to shine

It was odd. Odd to have felt this strong sense of conformity with a person oceans away. But we bonded over the death of our parents, that’s how it all started. 

You could see through my façade. We understood each other. From the most irrelevant to the most relevant of things is what we spoke about. From strangers, to acquaintances, and eventually to an amazing friend an ocean away. 

We never really had a video chat with each other, but our never ending string of emails made up for it. The little things were spoken about, the unspoken was secretly understood. But it all went tumbling down, the day you discriminated between a real life friend and an internet friend. Where did you think I was from, Mars?

Those words hurt. And then we slowly drifted apart. You still tried contacting me though, and with the frustration that I felt, I just ignored you. You made me realise, that it’s not worth making friends on the internet, if they’re all just going to discriminate like this, if they’re all just going to use me for emotional support when needed. No. 

I gave up spending hours online, started appreciating the outdoors more. Even when you said you had something important to say, I was rude to you and told you off. After that, a few months ago, when your friend messaged, saying..saying you’ve been diagnosed with cancer. It dawned on me.  Your desperate attempt at wanting to send me one last email, it all made sense. you wanted to tell me about your condition. I felt like such a bitch when I heard about what you’re going through. 

I hated the fact that you were worried about me, even when you were suffering so much, even after me giving you the cold shoulder. But you told me not to worry, that it will all be okay. That you know you’ll be gone soon for the better. On one hand, I knew it would end your suffering, on the other I just didn’t want you to leave. 

You were admitted, and contacted us occasionally through your friend. Few weeks later, you said you were home, swamped with assignments, I thought you were getting better. The treatment was working. Until yesterday. 

Until I read the email saying you weren’t with us anymore. Until I realised our last email was just about the elections. And  you’ve left me a memorandum. You thought of me, even during your last days, and I had no idea the end was so close.

If I could go back in the past, and undo a few things, I would. If I could just email you one last time about how much I appreciate you and cherish your presence in my life, so that you would know it all, I would in a heartbeat.

 I miss you. I saw the star shine so bright this evening, and I thought it was you. You’re another bright star in my sky forever watching me. Words cannot express this grief I feel, but seeing you shine so bright makes me realise you wouldn’t want to see me crying. No.

I’m sorry.. for everything. I love you and I miss you. Please don’t ever cease to shine in my night sky. 

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