Push & Pull.

For the last few years, I’ve  been pushing people away,far far away. Back then, maybe I had a reason, although today it just makes no sense to me.

I’d get attached to someone,and then start pushing them away. Is it the fear of attachment? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the aftermath of getting attached to someone, the fear of losing them, then losing them,and then the loneliness.

It’s not a nice feeling. This whole little cycle of getting attached, it just doesn’t work for me. It’s happened a couple of times, I’ve lost friends, friends who can’t be replaced. Deep down though, it hurts.

Eventually, comes the nostalgia, and the wish to regrow the friendship that once blossomed. But then,the consequences, the reason for pushing them away-all of which they may not understand, I don’t think anyone does. I haven’t tried explaining it though because then, I become too vulnerable.

Then life happens. New friendships blossom, the one’s I’ll have to nurture with care and in the end forgetting about the withered friendships. Some may flourish if I take the effort, some may die permanently.

But isn’t all about forgive and forget? What if I took a chance at one withered friendship? What if things don’t turn out the way I wish it did? These what ifs are never ending and it’s the over thinking that blocks the rational part of me.

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