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My New Random Friend

My exams are OVER!!!! I am a free bird for 2 months and I am over the moon. I went to college today, met my teachers- THANKED THEM for everything, from choosing me for the study abroad programme to being very very patient with me.

I found my new favorite teacher also. She is leaving, however, and we were her first ever batch. We were chit chatting in the cafeteria, and my friends were enquiring about my date. And i just looked at them, hoping to make them realise that our teacher was right there!!! but they rambled away. Then my teacher said- oooo date? And she generally asked about the date, about the guy. And i was talking to her as though, she was my friend, which was super cool!!!!

I like how informal it was but it was bittersweet, because when will we see her after that? Idk. but i sure do hope to keep in touch and speak often! Moving on, I finally met this boy I had met at the farewell  for coffee and air hockey. I lost air hockey but we spoke for over an hour over coffee. So I am at that point in life, where after watching so much Queer Eye, that I want to be confident and- be myself. I’m chatterbox so we did talk about a variety of things. Then he said,  you know, you’re my first random friend. I said that’s called new friend. What even is random??

And then when he said bye.. I felt as though.. I might have not created a good impression. Maybe, i had spoken too much. I had sooo many thoughts, lot of negativity. Then again, maybe I was just overthinking. He messaged me sometime ago, and I cannot stop grinning. Not getting ahead of myself, not rushing into things- I just want to take things as they come. Happy Holidays to me!!!

ALL those lessons I have learnt in the past.. I want to make use of them now!!!

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A fresh Slate

Well, I have two exams left and then I am done with my bachelor’s. I still cannot digest the fact that three years are over- just like that. Almost as though i snapped my fingers and time travelled haha. I would just like to relax and listen to the latest Jonas Brothers single.

In other news, I have a partial idea, if you will, about my future ambitions. But that we can save for another day. In super super hot news, I have a new.. friend. I met him at the farewell party, and we have been in touch ever since. I quite enjoy the conversations because of how straightforward he is- no grey area, nada. He’s curious, he;s patient and I would like to believe that he is smart as well.

So this boy i think is the first one, where we have no mutual friends. It’s a fresh slate, and I am a learner. I think it is going to be fun, if we continue chatting away like this. He might be moving back to another country, he might get a job in a different city, he might not even like me. But heck, I want to enjoy and embrace this moment. It’s all about living in the present, isn’t it? I don’t know what will happen, but whatever happens, i shall just get a haircut and move on. Comme si comme sa.

I have become very very interested in the theory of the law of attraction. What you attract, you will get. Give it time, be patient and nurture positivity. I should become a guru haha. But seriously, I think the law seems to be working. The second season of Killing Eve is releasing soon, and I am excited!

Other than that, I recently injured my hamstring while trying to do a split. I heard a really horrible popping and cracking sound. I have been applying ice and resting it. ANY TIPS? PLIS HELP. I can walk comfortably except for the little pain that keeps dabbing my leg. I would like to recover sooooon. But I did end up getting into a split, so that is an achievement in itself.

In other news, life is good. No complains, no regrets.

No more Rush Hours

Your words hit a nerve, and I- the edge of the cliff. I vividly remember what led to the argument, and my reaction. But for some odd reason, this silence has overtaken me. I am not eager to tell you about my day anymore. Or, atleast for now. I wonder if you’re happy, for this all you have asked for after every argument- let’s stop talking to each other. Here, I am catering to your wish.

I feel like I am back in the dorm, cooking my own food, chilling by myself in my room. I do not know how long this will last- but you cannot just act as though nothing happened. Because it damn well did. Maybe I might just get used to our question-answer conversations. Not a word more, not a word less because I’ve shed enough tears. There can’t possibly be anymore.

I wonder if I should be the bigger person and act like it’s all cool. Live by my new mantra- forgive and forget. But.. that just leads to the same routine. Argument-silence-back to talking- every damn day. It is not a routine I cherish, or want to get used to. I also don’t want to slip into my self- back to the mood swings and quiet days. No. I’ve grown up, I will smile, I will dance, I will break through these shackles my mind that are trying to confine me to. Watch me.

Life- a game of hopscotch.

My life as of this very moment, feels like a game of Hopscotch.

I keep stepping on the borders and then have to start from scratch all over again. I gave my boss my one month’s notice today. It was not very stimulating- I just got bored, let’s face it. I took up the job in September last year. It has been six months, it’s good enough no?

I was slowly losing interest and got called out for it today when she told me it is taking a lot of convincing to get me to do something.. my laziness was shining through at work. I had the option of continuing the job.. She tried to alter the timings for me.. but then- I just need change. If this job that is just four days a week, is giving me stress- which is clearly not needed- why should i keep at it? I was bugging everyone around me with all my complaints of work. I enjoyed it initially- it felt nice to say, I am going to work! I am getting paid! It was great to be.. busy!!!

But after giving my one month’s notice today.. I feel odd. Did i do the right thing? What if that extra money could have helped us? What about me contributing towards the electricity bill- if not anything else? Should i start over from the first square- let us rewind. Can someone just tell me it was alright to quit, it was alright to be selfish for once and to just think of myself? This game is too tough- my legs hurt. Do i have to keep playing?

No Grey Area-NADA.

Today has been an especially- unusual day. The quiz i was incharge of organising got cancelled- because the exams might get preponed, nobody has time to think about it, forget doing anything about it. I am partly relieved that it did get cancelled- do the others. My HoD though is always confused.. she told us lets cancel it- then she asks me what do we do- then she says she will think of something.

I have decided not to show her my face for a few days- weeks even if possible. Then, I had a crappyish day at work. Why is it that I have to speak to the landlord when I am not even the one that owns the damn place?! To top that I have just caught this horrible cold that refuses to gooo!!! Breathing with just one nostril is so tough and annoying. On the brighter side, considering I am trying to be more positive..I am aspiring to get my salary soon!!!! I am so excited but I am also planning to quit. One month into the job and I don’t think it is worth all the stress it gives me- more of anxiety actually.

A few hours ago, my director pinged me saying she wanted to speak to me- that’s it. ABOUT WHAT is all my brain is screaming. Why can’t people ever be clear about their intentions- just keep things in black and white because I find that lens so much more fascinating to look through compared to when it is blotched.

Grey areas are not my cup of tea. Other than alllll of this, I am graduating in two months. I wanted to take a gap year do volunteer  but money is a funny thing- you need it even when you think you don’t. ‘Tis important. That is about my ranting I guess. OH- I topped Geography in my class last year and I am getting a certificate for it- how cool!! That’s all, bye bye now.

Chaotic rut

I talk and I talk

and I talk

about my day

about things

about life

but you never listen

I ask and I ask

and I ask

about your day

but things

about life

but you never respond

Our conversations

are dwindling

as the sun sets and rises

And my mind is

losing interest

in this chaotic rut

that has become routine..

 

 

Sleep consumes me

i do not like laying in bed waiting for sleep to consume me
because my mind wanders back to you
and i think about how another day has gone by without you
so much has changed
yet this feeling of frustration, anger, guilt-
feels so fresh
your memories are fading
it’s getting hazy around the edges
while my eyes get blurry
and sleep consumes me
before the tears drop.